Pirate Days

"Hi! I'm your furry woodland sex slave," says the squirrel in the party hat with a balloon tied to his fore paw.

Hi, I'm Rob. I'm 12, and I'm laughing my ass off. This was last night. The squirrel is an American Greetings emissary of virtual birthday cheer. His lips move, His eyes blink, and his brows flutter, making his hat bob. How could he be cooler?

"Are you hot yet baby?" Aww, yeah, by using him for the power of evil.

What? Oh please, like I'm the first guy to do this. I'm sure somebody's already tried different phonic combinations to make it sound like he's farting, and then mailed it to their mom. Oh, sure you're above all that, aren't you? So why are you Googling "American Greetings Talking Squirrel" right now? Thought I didn't see that, huh?

I see everything, when I rub my squirrel.

"Humans aren't funny." Yeah, I made my squirrel say that. Why not? He's my puppet, and he'll obey my every command. Well, that and I've run out of almost dirty words.

I wrap up his adolescent rhetoric with something sweet like, "Happy birthday my queen." And email it. Yeah, this wasn't a selfish return to my childhood, I'm doing it for somebody else. It's the Pirate Queen's birthday.

Oh, don't worry. I've got more planned than a silly squirrel. I've got a moose too. Ok, no, but that would be funny. Man I should have done that! Where can a get a moose on such short notice? The butcher? Hmm. Probably nothing says "happy birthday" like slaughtered moose.

No, the squirrel is just the appetizer. See, I'm a writer. I could have made the cyber nut say anything, but he's at his funniest when he tries to talk dirty. Nobody takes a mechanized mono-drone seriously. "I can't wait to kiss your lips again," will bring just as many laughs as "I'll spank you with my tail until you scream." I say stick with the tail, and go with what you know.

I know the Pirate Queen. She'll laugh. There's a 12 year old boy inside of her too. Yeah, that's not funny. Keep your mind on the blog, thank you. How do I know she'll laugh? Well there's the obvious reason: I pay attention to what she likes and what she doesn't like, but almost more importantly: it's the type of thing that I enjoy.

See one of the things that works between us is that we enjoy the same things. I can be juvenile; so can she. I laugh at my jokes; so does she. I enjoy celebrating her birthday; so does she.

What about the squirrel? What does he enjoy? Nothing. He's a tool. That's what separates the yard chatterers from the pirate queens. Yard chatterers don't have a mind of their own. You tell them what to do and they do it.

"Rob said to wish you a happy birthday." See? He does my bidding. Oh he's funny now, but like all my adolescent fantasies, he'll get old.

The Pirate Queen? She's a different creature. Oh, we enjoy the same things, but we liked those things as individuals first. That's what I like. She is her own person, and that person just happens to be in sync with my person. Sounds dirty, doesn't it? Yeah, well from 2500 miles it's a lot cleaner than adolescent Robby likes. I think adolescent Pirate Queen too. The squirrel? Oh he doesn't care. He'll like whatever you tell him to like. After 41 years, I know I don't like that.

There are things I do like that the pirate queen doesn't. You know what the pirate queen isn't getting for her birthday? A thick juicy steak and a baked potato. Why? Because she's a pirate: she's more surf than turf.

That's why I'm hoping she opens the fresh salmon I mailed her soon. Even good gifts start to smell if you don't open them early enough. Bad gifts though, they stink right out of the box. It's so important to be in tune with your partner. Mimicking the words they give you only works for so long. At some point you've got to prove that you care enough to listen and show that you really do understand them.

Do I understand the Pirate Queen? Yes, as well as I am capable. We are very similar, and there are parts of her I understand like the back of my own hand. Still, as was explained to my by my father one sunny day in the garden, she's a girl. Girls are different. There are things that I'll learn, and things that I will just never understand.

"My favorite movie is Beastmaster!"

"Really?"

These are then things that make the Pirate Queen who she is, and make her the sexiest creature alive in my eyes. The surprises, as well as the things we share. These are the things that I try to convey when I try to create a birthday. And that's why she's getting a naughty squirrel.

So what else is she getting for her birthday? Ahh that's a secret. To tell you would be to show you parts of the Pirate Queen that aren't mine to share. I'm just glad she likes me enough to share them with me.

"I am only for you on your birthday…" Ah the squirrel? That's something everybody can enjoy--even an adolescent man/boy truly nuts for a pirate.