Wise words spill like milk over my golden-blog lips. No need to cry; I’ll speak more. I am the stoic icon Rob: cast in precious metal, rubbed in diamond dust, pay no attention to the frantic typing fool behind the curtain. That’s right, gape into my large mouth. Beware the foot though, it should be along any moment now.
See, I’ve always had plenty to say and nobody to listen. Now, suddenly, people are listening, and some of those people are finding that my words stick like darts to the forehead.
“I’m pissed.”
That’s all the email said. At first I thought it was an anagram: “simp dies.” Granted, not a jolly greeting, but “I’m pissed” didn’t seem to meet my need for affection either.
I bite, “Why?”
And this is where the story takes a dark turn. See dear readers, sometimes I say real things. Sometimes the things I say involve people in my life. Yes, there are people in my life. I know, I do live in a hermetically sealed bubble, but there are people who occasionally bump my bubble, and I like to acknowledge them. This person wasn’t happy with her bubble bump with greatness; she wanted to bubble burst and burn me in effigy.
Blogging Rob is a difficult task. I try not to offend, but I do like to include the characters of my world. It makes for better writing. Let’s face it; you’d get bored just reading about me bathing in merlot syrup morning to night and then rolling in rose petals. Readers like to hear about more than Rob’s days of wine and roses. And as a blogger with 4 readers, I’m obligated to oblige.
That’s why recently I blogged about a pantless pirate. It was funny image: the froofy shirt the peg-leg pincushion for punk-rock safety pins, and a good thigh bearing a tattoo proclaiming “Satin is king.” What? She liked the finer fabrics. Her image emphasized my blog’s point about contrasting the real and expectations. It also showed pirates wearing matching underwear, and we’re all into that.
Can I get an “Aye,“ Matey?
Its funny I should mention that, because it’s the one thing I didn’t talk about: her one eye.
Yeah, I’ll wait while you go search for that buried treasure. (not her eye, the blog.) I’m surprised you don’t remember it. That’s either because you don’t read everyday, or you weren’t paying attention to the pirate character.
That was the plan though, I didn’t want her sticking out. Unfortunately there is a pantless peg-leg pirate with a keen eye besides the patched one, and she was hopping mad--so to speak. In her words, she was pissed, but I grabbed a mop and took her word for it. I’ll just be telling you that she was mad.
See that’s the thing about blogs: Wherever two or more are gathered before one, somebody’s gonna bitch, and it isn’t always the blogger. Did I make up the pirate out of the blue? Some might say, yes; I’m just trying to plunder some elusive point. Descartes and hop-along would argue no; my words come from some place real.
I would have to agree with them. I never really make up things. I may mix and match booties a little, but isn’t that life? Don’t we all take aspects from each of our experiences and blend them together to try and make sense of our lives? I’ve known a boatload of pirates, and they’ve all had something to offer. Sometimes it’s a four-door cutlass, sometimes it’s a walk on the plank, but every mutineer has brought me here.
That’s the trick. I’m trying to share my experience to help you: the humble reader, and not all of Rob’s adventures are good. I mean no disrespect to my pirate friend, but I’m lucky to have both my typing hands!
She, on the other hand does not. On her other hand is a hook, or a hairbrush, or a whatever personal care attachment she deems fashionable that day. And I mean no disrespect by pointing these things out, but she is a character I know.
The other thing that I tried to point out, was that she was only a bit reference in the blog, and I didn’t mention that her name was Gertrude in the piece because it was unimportant.
Still, I can understand why she’s upset. Many people use their blogs as a pulpit, to rain the wrath of God upon the eyeless, and the fashionably challenged. Last year a guy had his blog tied up in a lawsuit, because he used it to bash his ex. I’m thinking if I’m doing, any bashing of MyEx, I’m brining something bigger than a blog, because although she’s not the pirate in question, she does look awfully scary with the twinkle of blood lust in her eye.
So let me take this entry to talk to all you seafarers. Turn your good eye to me and read my lips. If I talk about you, I mean no mischief. I’m merely pointing out the flaws on board my own ship. We all have our own decks to swab. And if our ships should cross paths, I promise never to board unless you tell me it’s ok, but that’s another blog of Rob milk and honey.
As for my pirate friend, well, she did finally understand. It cost me a yo, a ho, and a bottle of rum, but it was worth it to keep the peace. Cuz despite my statuesque presence, and my Dread blogger Robert essence, I really do care about people, because I really am that flawed frantic typing fool behind the curtain. So can we just ARRGGG! and make up?
ARRGGG!
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