Things were so bad that I found it in today’s newspaper. That’s not how I originally found out about it. That information came to me in an email marked “High Priority.” The priority email read something like this:
Dear valued employee,
If you’re reading this, it means your still employed. If you received this email in error, then, well, keep packing.
Cheers!
Your Lord and CEO
I nearly spewed yogurt when I read it. That’s bad, considering I was eating Funyuns at the time. The last yogurt I’d had was…well, nevermind. I checked my phone messages and previous emails to be sure: Nope, nobody had tried contacting me. I must still be employed.
I find that a miracle since my boss reminds me monthly of my red-headed step-child status.
“Better take some bread crumbs, Rob, cuz if there’s a kid getting abandoned in the forest, you’re it.” Yeah, he’s the sprinkler of gingerbread joy.
This time wasn’t my time in the forest. I have no idea why, but I did offer a prayer of thanks. It felt weird. Not the prayer, but the not needing to worry about having my head cut off.
I mean, one minute we were all standing around the virtual water cooler, the next minute 1,850 cups dropped to the ground. Their holders were raptured away. According to a second email sent by our fearful leader, the rest of us should use our Dixie cup bail-pails cuz the ship is still taking on water.
I’d just seen our new president on TV telling everybody that things were going to get better but would require that we pull together and work. I looked from email to Dixie cup but the water half filling it looked kinda sludgy.
No, from my perspective, we’d just dumped out 1,850 pails of chum and stirred up the waters. Gonna need work?
“Gonna need a bigger boat.”
Still. The feeling came and went so fast I barely noticed. It was sort of a blessing. One of my friends went through the same thing with her company. They’d downsized from woman’s world to petites, and were looking new and slender. In her case though, it was like the self destructing Nostromo at the end of Alien:
“The company will no longer need some of you in 15 days.”
Her employer told everyone that there would be layoffs, but kept the work force suspended for almost a month. Each day, they counted down.
“The company will no longer need some of you in 10 days.”
Finally the day came, and it didn’t matter where the axe came down, only that it finally fell. I don’t know if I could take that. Still it accomplished the same thing. When I told my friend about how things happened at my work, she said, “wow! That doesn’t seem right.” To me, it sounded better than finding out I wasn’t underwear clad Sigourney Weaver or Jones the cat.
Boom! You’re unemployed.
Every company has different management styles, just like every marriage has different relationship styles. I’ve said it before: every marriage and management are both snowflakes. They’re fragile and unique.
I think the trick is to find someone who not only can work within your unique crystalline structure, but somebody who thrives on it. I’ve always said that. If I haven’t always said it, I’m saying it now. Sure, maybe It’s the same thing as saying it after the ship blew up, but that’s my relationship style, and that’s the kind of snowflake I am.
It’s ok. MyEx used to just drop the “snow” part of the word. That’s ok too; pet names are part of every relationship. Still, in the end that’s one layoff I didn’t avoid. But like any other ending, the hard part is the initial shock. After that, you move on.
“That’s it? She just blew it out the airlock? That seems kind of anti-climactic.”
The trick is knowing when to accept your fate, and how to move on from there. For everyone who’s ever been let go, one way or another, this blog is for you. I write for you. That’s how I move on.
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