To the Internet and Beyond!

I’m a backwards guy. Not the, “I wear my clothing in cool Kriss Kross fashion” backwards. No, I’m the, I’m a little slow to pick up new fangled technology. Ok, some times. I was drug across the rocks by the sirens call of the iphone as soon as my ship hit those waters.

“Death at the hands of merewives, there’s an app for that. “

Still, when it comes to upgrading old technology. I drag my feet. I was really slow at upgrading my internet over the telephone service. It’s not because I feared the technology. It’s because I fear me.

See, when I first upgraded to a cable modem, I went a little crazy. It was like moving from text to moving video. Not only could I talk on the phone and stay online but I could download files without calling the family first and letting them know I’d be out of touch for a few days.

Then I went mad with power. If faster was better, then I needed faster. My ISP offered blinding internet content at blinding speeds. I could download an MP3 at the speed of sound.

The reality is, I didn’t need all that speed. The things I did online only required I go at hares pace. That was really no more than the basic internet package. That didn’t stop me.

That’s about the time MyEx stepped in—in all things. She was the hand keeping me from diving over the ledge. Since my divorce, I’ve kept myself away from the edge. I’m playing without a net.

That’s why I was so disturbed last Friday. I tried going online, but the service was down. I would need to talk to the cable company and be strong. I called the Pirate Queen.

“Hold me.”

“Uhm, why?”

“I’m feeling weak.”

“Ok, weak in what way?”

I explained what I told her, and she understood. “You can do this Rob, call . Be firm. Be strong.”

I called. I didn’t need to worry about being firm. I got a computerized voice.

“Please state the nature of your problem.”

I’ve heard this one before. I hate it. The cable company’s computer rarely listens, and always talks down to me. The thing is, I’ve already done everything, she’s going to recommend before she calls. Eventually, she’ll switch me to a real person, but that’s not for a while. I could download Gone with the Wind over the phone before I get to talk to a real person.

“I don’t have internet service.” I speak slowly into the phone.

“You can’t access porn. Is that correct?” The voice asks.

“Uhm, no…Well, wait…Yes, that is true.” I look at my download already stopped mid progress.

“I’m sorry I didn’t understand your reply.”

That’s the other problem with the computerized assistant. She doesn’t understand conflicting answers.

“Yes, that’s correct.” I’ll keep it easy.

“Ok, then let’s get your porn up and running. First let me try accessing your modem from my side.”

I wait, for what I know is coming, and sure enough, she says, “OK. I can’t contact you from here. Please unplug your modem. Please say ‘continue’ when you have done that.”

Now, I’ve already done this. If I were smart, I’d just say, “Continue” and let her go through, but no, I unplug it again, like this time it will do something special.

I tell her to continue, and then she tells me where to put the plug. I comply. Neither of us sounds surprised when that doesn’t work.

“OK. That didn’t appear to work. Please turn on your TV.”

I do. There’s a picture on there.

“Please say continue when your TV is on.”

“Continue.”

“Is there a picture?”

“Yes.”

“Please change the channel to be sure.”

Once again, I comply, but consider I should tell her where to put the plug.“Yes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’ve changed the channel.”

There is a pause.

“Is there a picture?”

“Yes.”

Now I’m sitting still with my legs on my desk. At this rate I could have not only downloaded Gone with the Wind, but forwarded a copy to the Pirate Queen.

“Good. Now we’re going to look at your network. Do you have a Wi Fi setup? A Wi Fi setup is any network that’s configured to…” I tune her out.

I know what a Wi Fi is. I have Wi Fi. I’ve already unplugged my Wi Fi router, and removed it from the system. It wasn’t the problem, but I knew that even if I got a person, it would be easier to troubleshoot without the router. As far as the computer is concerned, I don’t have Wi Fi.

“…Do you have Wi Fi?”

“No.”

“OK. I want you to unplug your Wi Fi router.”

What? I said no. I try repeating, “I don’t have Wi Fi.”

“I do not understand that.”

“No Wi Fi.”

“I’m sorry, let’s try again. Please unplug your Wi Fi.”

“There is not a Wi Fi hooked to my system.”

“Please unplug your Wi Fi.”

Fine, it’s unplugged, “Continue.”

“Ok, now plug back in your Wi Fi router.”

Well, this wouldn’t be a problem, except my computer is set to ignore my Wi Fi. Plugging it back in without resetting the controls won’t work. I’m not about to reset the controls just for the phone computer to tell me it’s not working.

“I don’t have Wi Fi” I insist again.

“I don’t understand.”

“You know what? ____ you! Just put a _____ real person on the line so I can tell them my ______ problem!”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know! That’s the ____ problem!”

“Let’s try again, please plug your Wi Fi back—“

I’m pressing random buttons on the phone. I know something will get me a real person.

I find several buttons that don’t work. I find throwing the phone against the wall doesn’t have any results either. Finally I press some mystic combo and a get a new voice.

“Ello?”

It’s human! At least I think so. She sounds Canadian. How can I be sure that while the computer has kept me on the phone, Skynet hasn’t infiltrated Canada?

I have no choice but to trust her.

“My computer isn’t working. My internet is—“ I stop. I’m staring at a Google page. My internet is no longer down. How do they do that?

“Uhm it looks like I’m up again. Uhm, nevermind.” I feel like an idiot. I bet she thinks I’m lying, and my internet was never down.

“That’s good news! Well, while I have you on the line, let me see.” She pauses. She’s looking something up. “Mr. Boyd. I show here that I could set you up with faster internet service for the same price you’re paying now.”

My world folds in upon itself. I hear nothing but the word, “Faster.”

“Faster?” I ask. “How fast?”

“New super infinity.” She replies.

Infinity. I like that speed. “Please! Infinite me!”

“I also show that you don’t have a Wi Fi. I have a plan that could remedy that for you too.”

Yeah, so now I’m set up with the fastest internet known to man. I also have 2 Wi Fis cuz that’s better, right? I know what the Pirate Queen told me. Still I think she’ll be happy, I’m sending her this copy of Gone with the Wind I’ve downloaded.